i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Its only 8 and she is already passed out
Perfect here is wht u do. Gently slip your index middle and ring finger into her butt hole but gently u dont wnt to wake her..let me know when ur ready for step 2
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
