Yo dont text me then not text me
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives�
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Randomize
