So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
