I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Randomize
