so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
