Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize
