I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
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