I wish I could teleport
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Randomize
