walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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