dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
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