One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
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