I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
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