saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
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