3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Randomize
