my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
Don't EVER smell your tampon
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
