we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
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