I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
