Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
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