M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
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