Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
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