i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
