My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
I pour the whiskey from now on
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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