woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Randomize
