she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
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