There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Need sex. Gaining weight.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Randomize
