Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
