i already hear my dad disowning me
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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