the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
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