My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
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