Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Randomize
