so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Pooping to opera.
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Randomize
