I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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