i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
