I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
Your penis caused this!
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
