Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical�
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
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