I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
