So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Randomize
