its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
it's not cheating when I paid for it
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
did you just send me my own nude
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Randomize
