I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
