I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
Randomize
