I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Randomize
