look no pants
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Randomize
