Please don't use social media to get back at me.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
