I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
