Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
hell yes lets make some ravioli
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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