god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
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