I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
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