I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
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