Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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