sooooo how many boyfriends is too many?
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
